Starting conversations with the premise that you are likely wrong in your thinking or understanding makes you a much different listener. Listening with the presumption that there is something you don’t know but need to is equally powerful. In both cases, you become less of an advocate for your opinions and more curious about what you can learn.
I will start practicing this in my professional and personal life. I have often been told to listen without actively thinking of my response, but that really did not go deep enough. This explanation provides a deeper perspective and gives me a tool to help balance myself. Thank you.
This is very well-said. One of the cultural values at our organization is listening generously, and one of the components of Crucial Conversations is to “talk tentatively and encourage testing”... but I feel like this framing adds value - Listen Like You’re Wrong - in tangible ways that can be immediately implemented.
If you want to move past what people say and start to listen to what they think and mean - pause and listen to the next 125 words.
When you do this you double your chance and more importantly the speaker's chance of saying what they think and mean.
There are two distinct listening orientations - similar and different.
Most people listen for similarity and their questions are orientated to sustain the energy and direction of the dialogue in the original direction of their mental models.
When you listen for both, similar and different - you become more choiceful and deliberate in the way you approach the conversation.
Listening like you might be wrong helps to explore differences - yet it only discovers one perspective - the speakers.
Listening is about three or more perspectives - theirs, yours, the dialogue and the purpose of the conversation.
Deep listeners notice false binaries like right and wrong. They explore right, wrong, useful, productive and multiple additional perspectives that are created when curious, open and flexible people engage in a conversation - whether it is one-to-one or group discussions.
I love this idea. Another way I have heard it interpreted is “be interested before being interesting.” This is the same idea of listening to others first before talking about yourself first. You get buy-in from others by doing this and can grow your influence and connect with me every of your team.
I will start practicing this in my professional and personal life. I have often been told to listen without actively thinking of my response, but that really did not go deep enough. This explanation provides a deeper perspective and gives me a tool to help balance myself. Thank you.
Well said, M.
The "without actively thinking" approach wouldn't seem like it would generate the right kind of questions.
This is very well-said. One of the cultural values at our organization is listening generously, and one of the components of Crucial Conversations is to “talk tentatively and encourage testing”... but I feel like this framing adds value - Listen Like You’re Wrong - in tangible ways that can be immediately implemented.
Thanks John.
It does seem to imply a stronger practicality.
Today’s post reminds me of the Q (Question) in SQ3R - A more efficient way to read text book material.
Listening matters even more, when you understand that people think up to nine times faster than they can speak.
The first thing that someone says, is approximately 14% of what they think.
If you engage and discuss the very first thing they say, you are listening to what they say rather than what they mean.
Good listeners hear what's said, great listeners notice what's NOT said.
Can you unpack what you mean by the "14% of what they think" stat, Oscar?
Most people hold back what they really want to say... to the tune of more than 80%?
125 words per minute speaking speed
900 words per minute thinking speed
125/900=13.89 or round up to 14%
If you want to move past what people say and start to listen to what they think and mean - pause and listen to the next 125 words.
When you do this you double your chance and more importantly the speaker's chance of saying what they think and mean.
There are two distinct listening orientations - similar and different.
Most people listen for similarity and their questions are orientated to sustain the energy and direction of the dialogue in the original direction of their mental models.
When you listen for both, similar and different - you become more choiceful and deliberate in the way you approach the conversation.
Listening like you might be wrong helps to explore differences - yet it only discovers one perspective - the speakers.
Listening is about three or more perspectives - theirs, yours, the dialogue and the purpose of the conversation.
Deep listeners notice false binaries like right and wrong. They explore right, wrong, useful, productive and multiple additional perspectives that are created when curious, open and flexible people engage in a conversation - whether it is one-to-one or group discussions.
I love this idea. Another way I have heard it interpreted is “be interested before being interesting.” This is the same idea of listening to others first before talking about yourself first. You get buy-in from others by doing this and can grow your influence and connect with me every of your team.