While complaints and upward feedback share the common thread of desiring change, they are markedly different ways of exerting influence with leaders above. Team members who prefer to complain openly often express disappointment without any real solution in mind. They believe leaders are in the business of learning about what is bothering them and allowing them to vent about it. Mistakenly, they think this is an effective way of creating change.
I’ve always admonished my followers to present an alternative, or ten, whenever they present a complaint. I’m not complaining. Okay, maybe, but not to you or anyone in particular, mostly to, or about, our culture. So, here it goes, but I have a solution….
Feedback sucks! Yeah, I said it! And you’ve thought it. Even the word itself is demeaning. Think about it. Who do we feed? Those who can’t feed themselves. I can feed myself. I’m pretty sure you can, too. Don’t feed me. Especially, stupid thoughts or ideas that aren’t founded in truth. You know what I mean. And BACK! As in feed…back. I don’t want to go backward. I want to keep moving forward. Don’t you? Now, I’ll admit that looking at how you did things before and assessing how you can improve them now or in the future are valuable, but don’t dwell on the past. Learn from the it but keep striving forward. And I don’t know ANYONE who provides feedback appropriately. Most people, especially those who consider themselves leaders, but aren’t, are afraid to be honest with their followers. That’s why they wait so long to tell you what you did wrong and how you can make it right. You know I’m telling you the truth. Alous Huxley said that “we shall know the truth, and it shall make us mad.”
So, what’s my solution? I call it P.I.A. It stands for Personal (Professional) Improvement Advice. Before I break it down, let me give you an overall perspective. Isn’t the intent of what we call feedback really us giving or receiving Personal or Professional Improvement Advice?
I’m going to almost disagree with a teaching from one of my mentors, Don Miguel Ruiz. Don Miguel is the author of The Four Agreements, which, by the way, is a GREAT book. You should read it. His second agreement is Don’t Take Anything Personally. He’s referring to how we accept advice and feedback (ugly word). Not taking things personally is incredibly difficult for me, and maybe for some of you. Everything we do is personal. For years one of the most popular buzz words in our culture has been “ownership.” That’s personal. I almost appreciate the word, “ownership.” I do appreciate the meaning. The gist of the meaning, I believe, is that we take responsibility and accountability for what we do and how we do it. Owning who we are by what we do produces our identity. We all have one. Is it what we want it to be? If we take ownership of it, we can create the right identity. Effective Leaders are consistently striving to improve themselves and their followers, which is the second part of PIA.
Isn’t the intent of feedback to help someone improve? It should be. It isn’t always. I’ve seen too many instances of a person giving someone feedback just to make the receiver feel badly, or to demean them, thinking that it will make the giver superior. It never does that. There’s huge value in helping someone improve. But that takes some mastery of what it is that should be improved. And it also takes some assessment of the reason the person isn’t better to begin with. Most of all, it takes empathy to understand the circumstances of the behavior or action needing improvement. It takes work. Do the work and then you may provide advice. But you have to share it appropriately.
Key to providing or receiving advice so that it helps us improve is trust. Have you ever had someone you don’t trust give you advice? How effective was that? Probably, not very. One of the characteristics of trust is purpose. As I just noted, if your purpose for sharing advice is to make you look better, it won’t work. If it’s to help that follower better themselves, there’s a better chance it will work. Since you probably haven’t attended my Building Trust seminar, let me tell you that people know pretty quickly whether or not they can trust you. It may take time to build a truly trusting relationship, but the first impression is often accurate. When providing advice to someone, keep in mind that your experience is not their experience. How many times have you heard someone say, or maybe you’ve even said it, “Been there. Done that.” The truth is that you’ve NEVER been there nor done that exactly as they have. NEVER! The world is constantly changing. What you both experienced is not the same. Practice empathy, then share advice, if they want it.
I’m still fine-tuning my PIA concept. It’s always personal, even when it’s professional. We all seek to improve our lives in some way. Sincere advice intended to help someone empower themselves to develop their identity can be powerful. I’m convinced that the concept of Personal (Professional) Improvement Advice is a lot more effective than the F word.
"Owning who we are by what we do produces our identity."
That's an important concept. Too many leaders think that who they authentically are is somehow trapped in their heads instead of being on full display in our actions.
Nov 8, 2023·edited Nov 8, 2023Liked by Admired Leadership
Amen.
Years ago, that's what we were taught as department managers. Personally, I do not think we should vent to our superiors (regardless of what they say). They are usually not trained psychologists/licensed therapists. We have to outsource and be proactive in our own well-being.
Great point. It is so in vogue to be relational in our leadership style that it might be easy for leaders to fall into the trap of acting as a therapist.
Therapists, however, take years to train themselves to be at a certain arms-length distance to their clients. We wouldn't be good at it. Work supervisors can't play that role.
I would like to offer a nuanced view of complaints. Sometimes we don't have the perspective required to offer solutions. But I wouldn't want that to stop someone from saying something, so I would add here to say something even if you don't have a solution. With the included caveat that you don't have a good solution.
Trust that you build with the person you are complaining to along with feedback and solutions on other occasions will make this easier to swallow for sure.
But I do like to tell my team that part of their growth is to admit when they don't have solutions for things they aren't happy about!
An alternative to Feedback
I’ve always admonished my followers to present an alternative, or ten, whenever they present a complaint. I’m not complaining. Okay, maybe, but not to you or anyone in particular, mostly to, or about, our culture. So, here it goes, but I have a solution….
Feedback sucks! Yeah, I said it! And you’ve thought it. Even the word itself is demeaning. Think about it. Who do we feed? Those who can’t feed themselves. I can feed myself. I’m pretty sure you can, too. Don’t feed me. Especially, stupid thoughts or ideas that aren’t founded in truth. You know what I mean. And BACK! As in feed…back. I don’t want to go backward. I want to keep moving forward. Don’t you? Now, I’ll admit that looking at how you did things before and assessing how you can improve them now or in the future are valuable, but don’t dwell on the past. Learn from the it but keep striving forward. And I don’t know ANYONE who provides feedback appropriately. Most people, especially those who consider themselves leaders, but aren’t, are afraid to be honest with their followers. That’s why they wait so long to tell you what you did wrong and how you can make it right. You know I’m telling you the truth. Alous Huxley said that “we shall know the truth, and it shall make us mad.”
So, what’s my solution? I call it P.I.A. It stands for Personal (Professional) Improvement Advice. Before I break it down, let me give you an overall perspective. Isn’t the intent of what we call feedback really us giving or receiving Personal or Professional Improvement Advice?
I’m going to almost disagree with a teaching from one of my mentors, Don Miguel Ruiz. Don Miguel is the author of The Four Agreements, which, by the way, is a GREAT book. You should read it. His second agreement is Don’t Take Anything Personally. He’s referring to how we accept advice and feedback (ugly word). Not taking things personally is incredibly difficult for me, and maybe for some of you. Everything we do is personal. For years one of the most popular buzz words in our culture has been “ownership.” That’s personal. I almost appreciate the word, “ownership.” I do appreciate the meaning. The gist of the meaning, I believe, is that we take responsibility and accountability for what we do and how we do it. Owning who we are by what we do produces our identity. We all have one. Is it what we want it to be? If we take ownership of it, we can create the right identity. Effective Leaders are consistently striving to improve themselves and their followers, which is the second part of PIA.
Isn’t the intent of feedback to help someone improve? It should be. It isn’t always. I’ve seen too many instances of a person giving someone feedback just to make the receiver feel badly, or to demean them, thinking that it will make the giver superior. It never does that. There’s huge value in helping someone improve. But that takes some mastery of what it is that should be improved. And it also takes some assessment of the reason the person isn’t better to begin with. Most of all, it takes empathy to understand the circumstances of the behavior or action needing improvement. It takes work. Do the work and then you may provide advice. But you have to share it appropriately.
Key to providing or receiving advice so that it helps us improve is trust. Have you ever had someone you don’t trust give you advice? How effective was that? Probably, not very. One of the characteristics of trust is purpose. As I just noted, if your purpose for sharing advice is to make you look better, it won’t work. If it’s to help that follower better themselves, there’s a better chance it will work. Since you probably haven’t attended my Building Trust seminar, let me tell you that people know pretty quickly whether or not they can trust you. It may take time to build a truly trusting relationship, but the first impression is often accurate. When providing advice to someone, keep in mind that your experience is not their experience. How many times have you heard someone say, or maybe you’ve even said it, “Been there. Done that.” The truth is that you’ve NEVER been there nor done that exactly as they have. NEVER! The world is constantly changing. What you both experienced is not the same. Practice empathy, then share advice, if they want it.
I’m still fine-tuning my PIA concept. It’s always personal, even when it’s professional. We all seek to improve our lives in some way. Sincere advice intended to help someone empower themselves to develop their identity can be powerful. I’m convinced that the concept of Personal (Professional) Improvement Advice is a lot more effective than the F word.
Until next time, Be GREAT! You ARE!
¡HEIRPOWER!
bob vásquez!
Thanks for taking the time, Bob.
"Owning who we are by what we do produces our identity."
That's an important concept. Too many leaders think that who they authentically are is somehow trapped in their heads instead of being on full display in our actions.
Amen.
Years ago, that's what we were taught as department managers. Personally, I do not think we should vent to our superiors (regardless of what they say). They are usually not trained psychologists/licensed therapists. We have to outsource and be proactive in our own well-being.
Thank you for your time.
Great point. It is so in vogue to be relational in our leadership style that it might be easy for leaders to fall into the trap of acting as a therapist.
Therapists, however, take years to train themselves to be at a certain arms-length distance to their clients. We wouldn't be good at it. Work supervisors can't play that role.
I would like to offer a nuanced view of complaints. Sometimes we don't have the perspective required to offer solutions. But I wouldn't want that to stop someone from saying something, so I would add here to say something even if you don't have a solution. With the included caveat that you don't have a good solution.
Trust that you build with the person you are complaining to along with feedback and solutions on other occasions will make this easier to swallow for sure.
But I do like to tell my team that part of their growth is to admit when they don't have solutions for things they aren't happy about!
Thanks for stopping by, appreciate your ideas and participation, Shu.
Great caveat. That approach shouldn't be mistaken for mere complaint.
The point you make was brought up when we spent a few minutes to discuss this a bit more this morning: https://twitter.com/i/spaces/1rmxPMdawgEKN?s=20