When author Gary Chapman described how intimates prefer to show and experience love, people finally understood why their affections sometimes missed the mark. In his 1992 book The Five Love Languages,
I like this idea of layering the 5 love languages onto recognition. The five suggested ones here are all ways I like to receive recognition - I’m going to have to think about this more. I’ve always thought of two variables when it comes to recognition/praise - specificity vs general and public vs private. I’d argue the most effective is always specific. Whether public or private is personal preference I think. Thanks for giving me something to chew on this weekend
I agree. I once had a boss who never praised individuals or individual efforts and only gave blanket praise, such as, “you are a great team.” It was subtly demoralizing. I also once worked alongside a boss who only praised the level of effort (“you put a lot of work into this”) and never the quality. Over time, I watch her people wilt every time she “praised” them. It was cruel.
Sep 30, 2023·edited Sep 30, 2023Liked by Admired Leadership
Safe your Praise but respect me. At my personal level and observation, I have come to realize words are so cheap, and many people don't truly mean anything they are saying to others, even those they claim they respect and honor. True honor and respect has been greatly misinterpreted in present times, with the rise of all sorts of ideas validating rites and self worth. Praising a people is truly a great motivational tool, but I feel it is rubbish when the motive behind it is selfish. I am in a community where people call everyone that's above them boss, but I realized if your position was to be tempered with, the same individuals that were calling you boss disrespect and lose their honor for you as though you had never inspired them. These few examples and many others I can't put here is my reason for preferring the Praise language, safe your praises but respect me.
It sounds like Gary Chapman, Ph.D., is talking about applying the platinum rule (Alessandra and O'Connor. THE PLATINUM RULE) to our personal life. Generally, I aspire to keep business and personal separate. He may be onto something though. Either way, I know what book I'm adding to my reading list;).
Today's post got me thinking of the O*Net Work Values - Achievement, Independence, Recognition, Relationships, Support, Working Conditions. I think this short list of values could help a leader identify which type of Praise to give. For example - The More Praise the Better - [[Recognition]], Praise Me About Things I Support Repeat [[Support]], Praise Me In Front Of Other [[Recognition]], Only Praise Me When I Do Something Extraordinary [[Achievement]], Keep Your Praise To Yourself and Show Me Respect Instead [[Independence]]. I don't recommend this cookie cutter approach, but I think knowing what a person values can help leaders in the "Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” (Dale Carnegie) department.
Genuine praise and gratitude, which are related, are important components of leadership.
I had a coaching client who was frustrated because her boss never praised or showed appreciation. My client thrives on praise and gratitude. After the boss had a 360 review in which she apparently received criticism for her lack of praise, she started just giving obviously perfunctory thank yous.
My client was even more annoyed at that. I proposed an experiment. Every time the boss gave a rote thank you or praise, my client would reply with a sincere “you’re welcome.” My client’s response would have to be genuine for this to work. Over time (months), my client noticed that the boss was offering thank yous and praise with more sincerity.
It could be that the boss just started feeling gratitude by repeating the words over time. Or it could be that my client trained her boss to experience and express gratitude. Either way, it got better.
I like this idea of layering the 5 love languages onto recognition. The five suggested ones here are all ways I like to receive recognition - I’m going to have to think about this more. I’ve always thought of two variables when it comes to recognition/praise - specificity vs general and public vs private. I’d argue the most effective is always specific. Whether public or private is personal preference I think. Thanks for giving me something to chew on this weekend
I agree. I once had a boss who never praised individuals or individual efforts and only gave blanket praise, such as, “you are a great team.” It was subtly demoralizing. I also once worked alongside a boss who only praised the level of effort (“you put a lot of work into this”) and never the quality. Over time, I watch her people wilt every time she “praised” them. It was cruel.
Do you think these leaders were aware of the corrosive effect, Jim?
Absolutely not. They were convinced they were wonderful leaders and acted like they were being bountiful in doling out demoralizing praise.
The Golden Rule & “One size fits one”, this is an interesting look at praise and motivation.
Safe your Praise but respect me. At my personal level and observation, I have come to realize words are so cheap, and many people don't truly mean anything they are saying to others, even those they claim they respect and honor. True honor and respect has been greatly misinterpreted in present times, with the rise of all sorts of ideas validating rites and self worth. Praising a people is truly a great motivational tool, but I feel it is rubbish when the motive behind it is selfish. I am in a community where people call everyone that's above them boss, but I realized if your position was to be tempered with, the same individuals that were calling you boss disrespect and lose their honor for you as though you had never inspired them. These few examples and many others I can't put here is my reason for preferring the Praise language, safe your praises but respect me.
That is the downfall of good behaviors done for effect. Very quickly you’ll lose credibility. What kind of leader do you want to be?
It sounds like Gary Chapman, Ph.D., is talking about applying the platinum rule (Alessandra and O'Connor. THE PLATINUM RULE) to our personal life. Generally, I aspire to keep business and personal separate. He may be onto something though. Either way, I know what book I'm adding to my reading list;).
Thank you for your time.
I'll add the book to my things to read.
Been working on relationships.
Good to hear.
Today's post got me thinking of the O*Net Work Values - Achievement, Independence, Recognition, Relationships, Support, Working Conditions. I think this short list of values could help a leader identify which type of Praise to give. For example - The More Praise the Better - [[Recognition]], Praise Me About Things I Support Repeat [[Support]], Praise Me In Front Of Other [[Recognition]], Only Praise Me When I Do Something Extraordinary [[Achievement]], Keep Your Praise To Yourself and Show Me Respect Instead [[Independence]]. I don't recommend this cookie cutter approach, but I think knowing what a person values can help leaders in the "Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” (Dale Carnegie) department.
Genuine praise and gratitude, which are related, are important components of leadership.
I had a coaching client who was frustrated because her boss never praised or showed appreciation. My client thrives on praise and gratitude. After the boss had a 360 review in which she apparently received criticism for her lack of praise, she started just giving obviously perfunctory thank yous.
My client was even more annoyed at that. I proposed an experiment. Every time the boss gave a rote thank you or praise, my client would reply with a sincere “you’re welcome.” My client’s response would have to be genuine for this to work. Over time (months), my client noticed that the boss was offering thank yous and praise with more sincerity.
It could be that the boss just started feeling gratitude by repeating the words over time. Or it could be that my client trained her boss to experience and express gratitude. Either way, it got better.