Learn to Respond Instead of React
There is a world of difference between reacting and responding to situations, people, and events.
Reaction is an emotional and reflexive act that is largely unconscious and always impulsive. People are hardwired to react when triggered by something that bothers or scares them. Reaction operates from instinct rather than thought. In reaction, whatever gets said or done is fast and without constraint.
In contrast, responding is thoughtful and deliberate. It is a highly intentional and rational decision. A leader decides how they want to respond. In responding, whatever gets said or done is slow and purposeful.
Everyone reacts at times, but we hold leaders to a higher standard. We expect leaders to be measured and collected in their response to people and situations.
Whenever a leader reacts instinctually, offering raw and uncensored remarks, they become suspect. When those spontaneous retorts are imbued with disappointment, hurt, anger, or frustration, the leader’s credibility comes into question. Strong reactions often escalate whatever negative feelings exist for any of the parties involved. As a rule, reacting rarely leads to positive outcomes.
Leaders who decide when and how they will respond, as opposed to react, take ownership of the situation and the people involved. Through responding, they purposely shape the trajectory of the exchange and influence how people might positively navigate whatever is at issue. Learning to harness the power of responding over reacting is something good leaders work hard at.
The best leaders make a conscious commitment to respond more and react less. This alone helps to slow them down and make response the more frequent choice.
To assist in their efforts, leaders need to know what triggers them to react. Knowing what sets you off is essential for becoming more deliberate in the face of that trigger.
Leaders who intentionally want to slow themselves down and respond, rather than react, usually ask one or more of three critical questions before saying or doing anything:
Do I have all the relevant facts?
Have I accurately interpreted the situation, people, and issues?
Does the other party deserve the benefit of the doubt?
Answering any of those questions inhibits reactive tendencies.
Learning to respond rather than react is not easy, especially for those leaders who are passionate and frank. Even leaders who recognize that strong reactions magnify negativity often struggle with making this important move. But the work is worth it.
Leaders can never positively influence a negative situation with a bad reaction. Responding with just the right message can make an enormous difference. Good leaders respond and leave reaction to others.
This is one of the more challenging ones.
Over a decade ago, I attended a training class. The instructor emphasized the importance of: responding instead of reacting and compartmentalization. I am still far from adequate in either, but I keep trying.
It is interesting, yesterday a co-worker and I were talking about the importance of giving people the benefit of the doubt and still checking the boxes.
Thanks for your time.
This is such a great topic!! Something I work on with clients is identifying the somatic experience that comes with being activated or triggered. This can often help, as we don’t always know what will trigger us. Or even if we do, when the amygdala gets hijacked we may not have access to our rational brain.
But tuning in to how our body feels can help give the moment of pause to ask those three questions (getting back to our rational brain). Maybe it’s the zip of anxiety shooting up through your sternum… or your muscles tightening and clenching… for some it’s holding their breath… usually there’s a big sense of urgency that doesn’t come from reality.
If you can take the time to look back on some reactions you’ve had, and identify what your physical experience is in these reaction moments, you can begin to notice them as they happen. It’s definitely a process! But as you hone the skill, you’ll find responding becomes a more natural behavior!