Ask any good trial lawyer, and they will tell you it’s what doesn’t get said in a trial that often has the biggest impact on the outcome. The same is true when giving feedback to team members. Because no message has a defined meaning, team members are free to interpret its value in any way they would like. Helpful, constructive, insightful, and actionable interpretations are what leaders are shooting for.
“What were you thinking?” will always be interpreted as having disdain.
If what you really mean is... "Can you review your decision making with me on this one?"
...then you can't say it the first way.
Parents might be hearing some of these phrases sounding too familiar as well.