For leaders to learn and understand what is really going on with the people they lead, they have to encourage others to share information with them. In the traditional view, being an approachable leader translates more accurately as being easy to talk to and creating an aura that is warm and open. When team members feel they are always welcome to discuss, engage, and share with a leader, we can say that leader is approachable.
This is an adjustment that parents need to make a few times throughout childhood development too. Kids go from asking questions because they are practicing talking, to wanting answers, to wanting engagement -- all at various stages.
This idea comes to mind often for me while I'm listening, like even in the moment.
I think I heard someone say this idea once and I was horrified that people might just be able to look right thru me and know I wasn't actually listening... just waiting.
The most successful relationships I have with clients, direct reports, and even my children are a result of responding to their advice-seeking with questions.
Asking the right questions of them can help them find the answer, whether it’s deep inside of them or if they need to dig around elsewhere.
It’s analogous to the old “catch someone a fish / teach someone to fish” adage.
So as someone who thinks about this and practices it regularly, how do you stop short of asking questions in such a way that makes you appear to be condescending?
It's an important distinction, and I'm glad you asked. First, I never start a question with "So, what do *you* think you should do?" or "What do *you* think [about the issue]?"
My questions are usually designed to elicit more information or to express curiosity about the situation. "Tell me about _____?" or "What happens when _____?" And in those moments, they provide more information and uncover something, and as they say it out loud, often they hear themselves providing the answer to themselves.
Maybe you are offering answers too quickly?
Yes. That’s a good word for me today.
This is an adjustment that parents need to make a few times throughout childhood development too. Kids go from asking questions because they are practicing talking, to wanting answers, to wanting engagement -- all at various stages.
One of the key skills is listening. And I mean actually listening.
Do you do something specific to transfer over from listening to actual listening, Martin?
Ha maybe. I think many people just wait for the other person to stop talking so that they can make their point.
This idea comes to mind often for me while I'm listening, like even in the moment.
I think I heard someone say this idea once and I was horrified that people might just be able to look right thru me and know I wasn't actually listening... just waiting.
"Unbeknownst to many leaders, colleagues only occasionally ask questions to receive an answer."
Insight of the year!
well... so far
The most successful relationships I have with clients, direct reports, and even my children are a result of responding to their advice-seeking with questions.
Asking the right questions of them can help them find the answer, whether it’s deep inside of them or if they need to dig around elsewhere.
It’s analogous to the old “catch someone a fish / teach someone to fish” adage.
So as someone who thinks about this and practices it regularly, how do you stop short of asking questions in such a way that makes you appear to be condescending?
It's an important distinction, and I'm glad you asked. First, I never start a question with "So, what do *you* think you should do?" or "What do *you* think [about the issue]?"
My questions are usually designed to elicit more information or to express curiosity about the situation. "Tell me about _____?" or "What happens when _____?" And in those moments, they provide more information and uncover something, and as they say it out loud, often they hear themselves providing the answer to themselves.
Nice articulation of this distinction, Scott. Thanks for this.