Good Leaders Help Others to Recognize Harmful Patterns in Their Behavior
Patterns are hard to discern when they involve us. We can see patterns in others much easier than the consistent reactions and responses we employ.
Elevating self-awareness and limiting the impact of those things that trigger us or hijack our thinking is essential work for anyone striving to be the best they can be. We need help to see the patterns we create. Good leaders provide that assistance.
The best leaders observe and collect our patterns and then debrief us to the possibility they are getting in our way. They point out what triggers us and how we react. They highlight when and where we are most confident and how this influences those around us. They spotlight how we respond to common situations and ask us if that is how we intend to engage.
By pinpointing patterns so others can see themselves more clearly, they are asking people to examine the gap between who they are and who they hope to be. Calling out the regularity or repeated arrangement of our actions and reactions, good leaders teach people how becoming more self-aware can influence the choices we make in the future.
Holding up a mirror for others and discussing patterns isn’t easy. Such conversations, where leaders examine the consistent ways others act, can create defensiveness and a feeling of being constantly evaluated. But good leaders push through the discomfort and get people used to this special brand of feedback. The more patterns are discussed, the easier it is for both parties to engage candidly about those patterns that are harmful and undermine effectiveness.
Because most patterns are hidden from those who produce them, even team members who are highly self-aware need help to discern the outcomes they produce through their behavior. Leaders first make observations without evaluation (“When a colleague challenges you, your first reaction is to get quiet and withdraw from the conversation.”) and then stand ready to discuss them.
In fact, making an observation about an existing pattern is sometimes all that is needed to get the ball rolling. Most people are curious about the common reactions and responses that others see. After some deliberation and thought, they often concur and remain puzzled as to why they didn’t see this pattern themselves.
If the ability to discern patterns is a source of wisdom, then leaders are most wise when they make those patterns explicit for those they lead. No one gets better without understanding the patterns that get in their way. Good leaders call them out, knowing all the while that patterns are created by behavior and actions and can be interrupted or changed with different choices. To paraphrase Mark Twain, harmful patterns and diapers must be changed for the same reason.
Good morning,
What a solid and timely post.
At the end of the day I often reflect on what I have done and failed to do (now I try to do this for a few minutes before I start my day too). These days it is often how I spoke that made someone think, feel, say, and/or do a certain thing. While this is progress, I still believe there is a ton of room for improvement.
One positive bit I have taken from these experiences is to conserve energy. This is especially true the more responsibilities we are charged with. Sometimes it is more productive to have a shorter exercise regimen, and be able to work on other things that must be tended to.
Additionally, we must recognize we are human. Humans make mistakes. The question is are we going to own them or run from them?
In the end, a lot, if not most, outcomes come down to the choices we have made (at least in the U.S.A.).
Thanks for your time.
Developing self-awareness is an ongoing journey. Giving feedback is hard. Both are worth it