Giving Others What They Need to Save Face
Self-image, or face, is a powerful force in social settings. Whenever people feel negatively evaluated or find their autonomy or independence threatened, they react by saving face.
Most commonly, people save face by offering excuses, justifications, and accounts for their choices and behaviors. To maintain their positive self-view, they attempt to explain their actions as normal, acceptable, and reasonable.
When people perceive a threat to their self-identity (how they want to be seen by others) as extreme, they sometimes save face by lashing out and defending their self-image with anger, intimidation, or threat. Many of the most extreme episodes between people are a result of one party trying to save face.
Much of what we call emotional intelligence comes down to navigating the identity needs of others. Leaders who understand and appreciate the influence of face on how people respond in social settings have a big advantage in shaping their reactions. Presuming self-image is always in play and guarding against stepping over the line with criticism or direction that threatens face is what good leaders do.
But the best leaders take this perceptive insight one step further. They give people face by reinforcing the positive view they have of themselves before they criticize them.
Before offering feedback or criticism, savvy leaders intuitively know it would be a good idea to normalize the intentions and reasons behind why people do what they do. By affirming positive intentions or giving people a reasonable account or justification for their actions, they help others maintain their face before they feel it is threatened.
Consider a few examples of giving face prior to criticism or directive:
“While I’m sure you didn’t mean to miss the meeting, your absence has set us back.”
“I know you intended to make a joke and get people comfortable, but what you said was offensive.”
“We both know you have the skills to excel, but have been distracted. Unfortunately, you need to do this over again.”
“Your values are always in the right place, but your judgment in this case was off.”
“The respect others have for you is enormous, so they were surprised to see you act that way.”
“You have a good heart, but you need to be more sensitive to those who don’t know you.”
It is a mistake to read those statements and only see that the criticism is preceded by a positive message. What giving face requires is an affirmative message that offers an explanation or account for the issue in question or states what you believe are the positive intentions others hold. Doing so allows the person to maintain the positive image they have of themselves and accept the feedback without the need to save face.
Taking the time to give people face before criticism or direction is something worth working on. The key to remember is that a person’s self-image often determines how they respond.
The best leaders prove their emotional intelligence by offering favorable intentions and reasons to others before they disapprove or direct. Perhaps it is time for you to become more intelligent, as well.
An important observation and great advice!Face-saving is a major tool in international diplomacy. You don’t want to humiliate your adversaries (or allies), so you allow them a reasonable out. If you humiliate them, the will lash back It works exactly the same way with personal and professional relationships.
By the way, the opposite of face-saving is the belief that people should “just take responsibility.” That “suck-it-up-buttercup” approach can cause people to shut down as Joe suggests. Taken to an extreme, it is bullying.
I'm working with someone right now where their intentions don't match with their actions all the time. When a discrepancy occurs, I'll call that person back 1:1 immediately after the meeting and talk to them. We've set goals to improve, so I remind them of the goals and then talk about the incident and discuss how it could've been handled differently. I've been leaning heavily on the goals we've set, but I'll try this out (identity). I've also been calling the person immediately after a meeting when they did something good - I point it out and go into detail on exactly what they did and how it was effective. It's a long road, but old habits are hard to break.