Your Feedback Beat Me Up

Negative feedback and criticism can sting.

When anyone hears commentary that places their behavior or performance in a negative light, it can be shocking, especially if the criticism is unexpected or contrasts with what they believe is true.

Feedback can evoke strong emotions when it touches upon personal insecurities or areas people feel strongly about.

Only the most driven high performers seek out criticism that makes them uncomfortable. The rest of us hear it, take it in stride, learn from it, and incorporate what we think will help us to improve or change.

But some people go the opposite way. They prefer not to receive negative feedback or criticism at all. So, they teach those giving it to be cautious about offering it. They do this by exaggerating their reaction to the feedback.

They describe the experience and feedback as having “beat them up,” “shut them down,” or “let them have it.”

Their idea is to send a clear message to the feedback giver that they have been hurt, bothered, or wounded by the criticism, with the hope that they feel guilty for doing so.

This does more than allow them to deflect the criticism. It tells the feedback giver to be exceedingly wary about offering criticism in the future.

Unfortunately, it usually works. Leaders, spouses, friends, and colleagues are less likely to offer candid and direct feedback when they know the other will feel hurt by it and will categorize their effort as harmful to their state of mind.

To underline the lesson that criticism is unwelcome in the future, receivers often borrow inflammatory clichés to make their point:

Your feedback “Sent me into a tailspin,” “Hit me out of nowhere,” “Brought me to my knees,” “Took the wind out of my sails,” “Wrecked my world,” “Left me reeling,” “Hit me like a ton of bricks,” “Knocked me off my feet.”

They describe simple suggestions or recommendations for improvement as “admonished me,” “chastised my behavior,” “scolded me,” and “berated me.”

They make it clear they feel “called out,” “critiqued,” “schooled,” “slapped in the face,” “dragged through the mud,” and “picked apart.”

In some cases, their sensitivity to the feedback is real and actually produces these feelings, but at other times, their reactions and words are overstated as a strategy to chill future criticism.

Strong leaders recognize this ploy, work through the honest impact of their criticisms, and stay the course. They harden themselves against the projected guilt others would like them to feel for being candid.

While they will consider if their message or delivery was too harsh or jarring, they refuse to feel criminal for helping others to be better. This isn’t easy, especially for those leaders who care deeply about others and want to be liked by them.

No one gets better or improves their performance without the feedback they need. Sometimes this feedback can sting or cause discomfort. The best leaders accept that and offer it anyway. That’s because they really care.