The Unpacking Principle in Relationships

To make a sound medical diagnosis and an informed decision for their patients, physicians must elicit all the relevant information that they can.

Without a complete medical history, the likelihood of an accurate diagnosis and plan of action becomes compromised.

The Unpacking Principle suggests that the more detailed and specific information a leader or practitioner compiles, the more likely they are to understand the problem and devise a creative plan to address it.

The same is true for relationships and how they develop.

The problem in every relationship is how both parties can develop more trust and connection. There is never too much trust or too deep a connection.

History and knowledge about each other create the foundation for this expansion. The more the parties unpack and explore who they are, the more likely it is for trust and affiliation to prosper.

While this seems obvious, even people who think of themselves as strong relationally often miss it or fail to act on it. Learning about the history or backstory of the other party is the essential work of relationship development.

Gradually learning more about the critical experiences that make people who they are instantly forges deeper connections and fosters a sense of acceptance.

Good leaders show genuine interest, they “unpack” people, and allow others to do the same. What both parties learn in the process naturally encourages more openness, curiosity, and vulnerability on other topics and issues.

The disclosure associated with a person’s history and backstory is very different from knowing their preferences and hobbies.

While good leaders collect information about people to make them more comfortable and to feel important, unpacking the layers of background that brought them to the current moment is a commitment to understanding them.

Understanding who people are and what has shaped them not only makes them feel important but also encourages them to go beyond surface-level expressions about issues critical to their needs and development.

By exploring the story behind the person, leaders can create a climate of mutual respect, honesty, and trust that is rare, especially in the workplace and in professional environments.

So instead of asking new relationships what they do or where they are from, perhaps the stronger question is, “What is your story?”

Asking people for the backstory of their lives will often produce a much more meaningful conversation. In existing relationships, gaining another insight into the experiences that comprise who people have become further deepens the conversation.

Unpacking who people are takes time and genuine curiosity. Not everyone has the interest or patience to do it. But like a physician gaining a full medical history, knowing a person’s backstory can serve as a guide to long-term care of the relationship.

The history you don’t know can stand as a roadblock to a beautiful union.