The Truth Is More Palatable When We Discover It for Ourselves

Evaluation, feedback, and advice that do not corroborate our thoughts about ourselves and our performance are always difficult to swallow. 

No matter how self-aware a person is, we cling to our perceptions and seek confirmation to validate our views. Any time criticism contradicts our view, it shakes us up.

We initially resist. Could this possibly be true? If the source is credible, the soul-searching begins. How do we reconcile what we think to be true with what we have just learned? 

For those open to rationally considering  what they have recently learned, they begin a process of guarded inquiry. They ask questions, attempt to gain more clarity, seek examples, and begin thinking about any evidence that might confirm this truth. 

But even though open-minded people are more willing to consider the feedback, they are still slow to fully accept it. Acting on it takes even more time. If it ever happens. 

Leaders who carry hard but hidden truths about team members and colleagues recognize that how they raise or offer such feedback has a tremendous influence on how people receive it. 

While they can be more direct with feedback that is either expected or within the realm of reasonableness, good leaders respect that truths that will surprise and contradict long-held views require a more subtle approach. They typically offer such truths more indirectly or gently so as not to set off alarm bells or prompt a fortress of defensiveness. 

But the best leaders know something else. When people discover such truths for themselves, they internalize the feedback in a way no leader can replicate by telling or showing them. 

When it comes to carrying an uncomfortable truth, a more powerful approach is often to ask people to examine themselves with a provocative question. Some examples: 

• Why do you think others get quiet and shut down when you advocate for your views? 

• How does your reaction to disagreement differ from those of your colleagues? 

• What typically happens for you immediately after completing a project or assignment? 

• What possible reasons would your colleagues have for rejecting your promotion? 

Provocative questions that ask others to critically examine their views are best left to linger without the leader addressing them. If the team member wants to discuss, good leaders ask for time to think about their answers and request a future time to compare notes. 

Once the question takes hold, it has its own influence without the need for much discussion. Crafty leaders give others the time they need to stew on the question. The result is that people internalize what the question asks or provokes and often come to the reality or truth all on their own. 

As the psychiatrist Fritz Perls taught us, “The truth can only be tolerated when you discover it for yourself, because then the pride of discovery makes it palatable.” 

When it comes to criticism that will be hard to accept, the best leaders let people discover these uncomfortable truths all by themselves, with just a little help from a provocative question.