The Paradox of Telling People You’re Competent

Truly competent people don’t tell others they are competent. 

They show them. 

People are suspicious of anyone who labels themselves as competent. The thinking goes that those who have to broadcast that they have significant strengths and proficiencies must lack capability. Only an unskillful leader would find the need to tell others about their competencies. 

Those confident in their skills prefer to let their work speak for itself. This is the age-old idea that actions speak more loudly than words. 

This same principle applies to nearly every human virtue. Those with integrity don’t have to tell others how honest they are. Leaders with humility don’t describe themselves as humble. Leaders with true empathy don’t describe themselves as empathetic. Leaders who are wise don’t label themselves as sages. And so on. 

Whenever someone declares that they possess a leadership virtue, it instantly leads others to question it. 

This is not to say that good leaders never promote their work or profile their milestones and successes. Encouraging others to learn about what we are capable of by describing our outcomes or track record is both expected and rewarded. 

Others want to learn about what we have achieved so they know what they can expect in the future. But that is not the same thing as describing the virtues we believe we possess.

It is primarily the self-reference that creates the paradox. Referring to yourself as possessing any virtue sets off alarm bells. Why would you need to do that unless you couldn’t show others that virtue through your actions or offer evidence that confirms the internal strength exists? 

The lesson here is to avoid referring to yourself in grandiose terms. Labeling yourself as competent or humble or nearly any other virtuous designation is seen as both grandiose and self-contradictory. 

Promoting yourself is not the problem. Labeling yourself is. 

This also goes for the term successful as a self-reference. Successful people shouldn’t refer to themselves as successful. There’s no contradiction in that, but people find it off-putting and obnoxious. Lucky, fortunate, or blessed sounds much more likable. 

As with competence, it is always better to describe your success rather than to pin the button to your chest. As a rule, pins are a danger around any balloon.