The Odd Tolerance and Intolerance of Bad Behavior
Here’s an interesting contradiction.
People are more likely to confront bad or rude behavior directed at someone else, while they are willing to accept or tolerate that same behavior when it is aimed at them.
In many cases, defending others feels more justified than standing up for yourself.
People typically minimize the harm done to themselves unless it is extreme. This is especially true of those they know well who behave rudely.
In contrast, people maximize the potential harm done to others. Protecting others feels less personal and more important.
So, people speak out to safeguard others, whereas they tend to stay silent or avoid the discomfort or disapproval of doing so in their own defense.
Confronting bad behavior directed at you can feel risky. People have a general fear of rejection, escalation, or damaging the relationship. So, they absorb the behavior and explain it away.
We find it much easier to feel outrage for someone else.
Anytime we see injustice directed at others, we feel more responsible to intervene. When those others are defenseless or lack the power to respond, such as the case with young children, junior team members, or elderly people, our protective impulses take over, and we confront on their behalf.
Even though we know doing so with complete strangers is inherently risky, most people can’t stand by and observe injustice without attempting to intercede.
But we don’t do so for ourselves as often as we should. Inasmuch as our relationships operate from a set of implicit rules, every time we tolerate a bad or inappropriate behavior without saying anything, we areestablishing a rule that says this behavior is okay.
Confrontation over bad behavior doesn’t have to be aggressive, turbulent, or uncomfortable. Most rude or inappropriate behavior can be corrected by simply asserting that the behavior is undesirable. This is usually enough to curtail it in the future.
Tolerating bad behavior in any quarter produces more of it. It must be called out. Not explaining bad behavior away helps everyone involved. Injustice toward anyone is a menace to everyone.
A lot of people don’t call out bad behaviour because they don’t know what to say.
And it’s even harder to call out bad behaviour towards ourselves because we’re often taken by surprise.
Personally, I was brought up in the church, and was taught that if somebody insults me, that I should look the other way. I think that was a major reason for my non-combative behavior even in the most volatile events.
The fundamental thing to understand is that standing up for yourself doesn't have to be violent. You just need to mark your boundaries with confidence.
Only cowards allow others to harass them without batting an eye. True strength is when you face your bullies.