People Are Always Talking About Me

We talk about other people for a host of good reasons. 

Figuring out who can be trusted and who is likely to disappoint you with their behavior is essential information. The rewards of high performance require we know with greater certainty how others will show up. We can’t get things done without knowing who we can depend on to do their part. 

So swapping stories about colleagues, both good and bad, is deemed necessary for our own success. 

Talking about others behind their backs also keeps their behavior in check. People naturally fear the social consequences of acting in ways that may cause gossip or rumors to be spread about them. This, in turn, encourages more socially acceptable behavior and establishes the norms that keep bad behavior in check. 

So the idea that others are talking about you is a social fact. The more connected you are to someone’s work, the more likely it is that you are a consistently hot topic of conversation. 

Most of us accept this reality and take it in stride. We generally only react to what is likely being said when we believe the rumors are inaccurate or when a recent episode might be interpreted poorly. 

Occasionally, however, a colleague who has made a major misstep or faux pas can temporarily come to believe people are talking about them all of the time. They harbor an unhealthy suspicion that others are now intent to do them harm. 

As a result, they stand on guard, believing others are using the event to demean them. In short order, they begin to read hidden meanings into gestures and innocent remarks. They quickly become paranoid that gossip about them is on everyone’s lips. 

Leaders who catch wind of this temporary insanity would be wise to address it immediately. When team members are paranoid, even temporarily, they can do and say things they shouldn’t in order to protect themselves. 

Just having the support of the leader and learning of the many people who think highly of them helps to offset the feelings of insecurity they are experiencing. With the positive encouragement of the leader, the defensiveness and self-doubt will usually fade quickly away. 

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you. So said the comedian Woody Allen, mostly in jest. The truth is, colleagues are rarely out to get anyone. But perceptions become reality if they are left unattended. 

Good leaders accept that gossip will occur, but they don’t let it create distrust on the part of a valued team member. They remind the team that no one is immune to the effects of negative rumors.