Learning a Person’s Backstory Creates a Powerful Connection

People follow very different pathways to become the colleagues or clients you now know. Just like you, a host of experiences, events, and people have shaped their lives. When leaders take the time to learn even a small slice of that backstory, the nature of the relationship changes. 

Knowing the backstory of another person’s life instantly deepens the relationship. It creates a connection of understanding that builds trust and commitment. Yet, it’s not uncommon for leaders to work for years with team members and never learn the backstory of their lives. 

Perhaps they think they don’t need to. Keeping professional relationships at arm’s length seems like a prudent strategy. Unless you want people to perform at the highest level. Team members don’t go above and beyond for leaders who don’t really know or understand them. The same dynamic is true for clients. 

Caring about people isn’t enough. Great leaders take the time to investigate who people are. They remain curious about how their experiences, challenges, roles, and tragedies shaped them. 

By exploring backstories, leaders learn what people value and how they think about themselves. In fact, it is nearly impossible for anyone to explain their backstory without pointing directly at what they value and cherish. 

At the appropriate moment, a curious leader might ask:  

• Was there a mentor or role model who had a profound impact on you?

• What were your hobbies and passions during your formative years? 

• What was it like growing up? 

• How did your family shape your career choice? 

• What adversities have you overcome? 

• What happened at college that still has an effect on you? 

• What motivated you to follow your career path? 

• What are you most proud of? 

• What have been the most significant turning points in your career? 

You can think of many others. 

This simple idea changes how both parties interact. Once a team member is understood historically, vulnerable leaders offer some of their own history, as well. While doing so first or too early in a relationship might come off as awkward or contrived, good leaders find a way to reciprocate and share a bit of what shaped them, as well. This disclosure binds leaders and team members together and strengthens their relationships. 

Being curious about the backstories of team members, clients, and friends defines leaders as committed to the relationship in a way very few other inquiries can match. Asking yourself how much you really know about your team members is a good starting place. The rest is up to learning and sharing.