Holding on to Grudges

Sometimes, people strongly resent what others say or do.

If the infraction is large enough, the feelings of ill will and distaste can linger.

Harboring this bitterness or resentment over time constitutes a grudge. Those who hold a grudge refuse to forgive the offending party and often fail to treat them with the respect, courtesy, or kindness that is common in normal relationships.

Those with a grudge distance themselves and avoid communication whenever they can, sometimes breaking off all contact if it is practical to do so.

In extreme cases, those who hold a grudge can seek retribution by acting with hostility or passive-aggressive behavior whenever they can, attempting to damage the reputation of those who wounded them.

Unfortunately, the negative feelings underlying a grudge don’t stay contained within the primary relationship. Those who are connected to and support either of the parties wind up being affected by the strained relationship.

The spillover effect is that the people surrounding the relationship feel awkward when in the presence of both parties and often have feelings of disloyalty when they support one party more than the other.

In some cases, the party holding the grudge asks others not to befriend or engage kindly with the source of their ire. This makes people even more uncomfortable and conflicted.

The peripheral damage to others, when one person holds a grudge, can be significant. It may cause people to take sides or avoid bringing the two parties together. It changes the natural flow of communication between everyone who is now involved.

All because one person lacks the maturity and wisdom to forgive and move on from an unpleasant episode.

Thus, the wisdom in this old saying: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” In the case of a longstanding grudge, the acid usually splashes and hurts others as well.

If you or others you know hold a grudge, it is essential to move past the ill will as soon as possible. Not least for the benefit of others. Indeed, the reason to give up a grudge is for a wider benefit than to yourself alone.

Simply reminding grudge-holders of this will often shake their conviction and commitment to the grudge itself.

The critical argument to make is this: Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting the past but choosing to not let it affect your present.

Forgiving others is choosing to make the current reality everything it can be.

Once people understand the impact of their grudge, they are typically much more willing to give it up. Resentment only endures when people are committed to remembering it.