Getting Better at Tough Conversations
Good leaders have the tough conversations, no matter how psychologically painful they might be.
Holding people accountable, delivering news of unwanted change, and sharing decisions that disappoint are some of the many topics considered “tough” for leaders to navigate.
No matter how uncomfortable these messages and conversations make both parties feel, good leaders don’t duck them. In the words memorialized by famous football coaches of the 1950s, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”
Unfortunately, when it comes to delivering an unpleasant message, many leaders aren’t so tough.
Like everyone else, they prefer to be liked, accepted, and recognized for their positivity. Having a tough conversation with a team member is often considered one of the most difficult challenges leaders must overcome to excel.
So, how does a leader get better at having tough conversations?
Leaders dread tough conversations because of the anticipated reaction of others. The idea that the other party will potentially become upset, emotional, or withdrawn makes leaders want to procrastinate having the conversation or avoid it altogether.
Because they are good people, leaders don’t want to create displeasure or discomfort, even though they know their role requires them to deliver a difficult message.
The best leaders reframe the entire conversation to change this script. Instead of viewing the conversation as confronting a difficult topic or issue, they think of it as a collaborative problem-solving exchange.
They place themselves inside the problem, issue, or news by using the pronouns “We” and “I” instead of “You.” Most importantly, they convey their intention of support and assistance.
Consider the difference between the following conversational approaches:
“You know that this can’t happen again” versus “Let’s talk about how we can avoid this in the future.”
“The decision has been made, and you need to accept it” versus “I know this isn’t happy news, but I want to talk about how I can help you make this transition.”
“I knew you would be disappointed, but there is nothing I can do” versus “I understand your disappointment and want to talk through how you’re feeling and what I can do to support you.”
“You need to own the problem and fix it” versus “Let’s explore what we can do to overcome this deficit.”
Tough conversations look very different when they are viewed as problem-solving explorations.
While the initial surprise or reaction of the other party can still sting, when a conversation quickly moves toward support and solution, it lessens the emotions for both parties.
Viewing a tough conversation as a problem to be collaboratively resolved together is automatically less judgmental and critical, which exacerbates negative emotions. The supportive tone of collaboration invites the other party to discuss rather than react to the message.
Tough conversations are uncomfortable because they carry negative information that is undesirable and often distressing. Leaders can’t change that reality.
But they can reframe the conversation so that the message and the potential upset are not the focus of the exchange. Good leaders solve a problem together with the other party when they deliver a tough message.
This makes a tough conversation more palatable for everyone.
In my experience, today's post works best for people in more people-centric roles versus those in data or things-centric roles. I find the latter prefers the more direct route. I remember one leader at a utilities company commenting on my use of "We" by asking, "Do you have a mouse in your pocket? Cut the shit, David, and tell us as it is. We can take it."
An interesting article.
Within the last eight years, when I have attended leadership training, read about leadership training or conducted leadership training, an interesting theme is the lack review that goes on, so there isn't any wonder the difficult conversations are made more difficult. If you aren't conducting any type of feedback sessions, quarterly, semiannually or even annually, the "talk" is going to be challenging.
In prior FN's the topic of goals and goal setting has been mentioned. The difficult conversations can be a bit less uncomfortable by reviewing the expectations and agreed upon goals and how "we" can try and work through the issue, if we are able to.
We advocate focus on the behavior and not the person approach. By combining those components with the aforementioned, we can get through the process a bit better, and maybe the sting the other person feels will be lessened.
Thanks and be safe.