Beware of Frenemies

Colleagues, peers, team members, and leaders come in all sizes, shapes, and motivations. Some can be trusted, and some can’t.

Others can be counted on to agree, while some will always take an oppositional view.

Knowing the motivations of those who surround you is critical to your long-term success. The world would be a better place if everyone were in support of everyone else and deserved to be trusted.

Unfortunately, this is simply not the case, especially in the workplace.

Some people compete with you, some have incommensurate views, and others operate in their own self-interest. That comes with the territory of organizational life and leadership.

But the person to be most wary of is best known as a Frenemy.

A Frenemy refers to a person with whom one has a friendly or cordial relationship but who secretly harbors an underlying hostility and rivalry.

Frenemies appear to be supportive on the surface, but behind the water, they believe they are in competition with you and so must do their best to win. This means making you look bad whenever they can.

Frenemies maintain the facade of support and advocacy so that you will drop your defenses and become more vulnerable to their subversive actions.

They are sneaky, keeping their true motivations hidden from view. That makes them hard to recognize. But they send clear signals if your eyes are open to understanding their game.

Here are some clues:

Frenemies typically offer compliments but follow them with criticisms and veiled insults: “You did a great job. You must have had a lot of help.” Praise from a frenemy is always followed by a critical comment.

They constantly judge you in comparison to their efforts: “I saw you posted a new client. You have one more to catch me.”

They make a point to highlight where you stand against them only when they’re doing better.

They stay silent in the face of your successes: “I didn’t hear anything about your victory. I wonder why?” They don’t show up when others acknowledge or celebrate you.

They talk about you negatively to others: “It’s a good thing they work hard to make up for their lack of talent.” “I guess you heard they took a beating in their review.”

Frenemies are most positive when you are helping them achieve their goals: “You always lend me a hand. I so appreciate that about you.” But they are always too busy to help you.

They pull you into situations and disputes to make you look bad: “I’m going to get you involved with a sticky issue because you’ll know just what to do.”

Later, they say, “I thought you could handle that. My bad.”

If that sounds like one of your colleagues or peers, you have a frenemy in your midst.

Fully trusting them is a serious mistake. Better that you know that they exist and work to circumvent their negative power by calling out their high jinks. When frenemies are exposed, they lose much of their influence.

Perhaps you don’t have any frenemies in your circle. But if you do, it’s best to stay on guard.