Becoming a ‘Spend Time With Me’ Leader
Asking colleagues and teammates to join you instead of listening to you is a pathway to deeper learning and connection.
Any request to explore and engage in a topic, issue, or task with a leader is viewed as an invitation to connect. The best leaders become “spend-time-with-me” leaders to foster a deep and more collaborative relationship where both parties frequently get the chance to engage each other without interruption or distraction.
Busy leaders are often lax in using time together as an opportunity to forge better connections with those they lead. They move from conversation to conversation, and meeting to meeting, never fully engaged or focused on any one team member. While this is an efficient way of getting lots done, learning and true connection take a back seat.
The requests a spend-time-with-me leader makes of others offer quality time not just substance:
“Join me and let’s work on that project together.”
“Come with me and take a walk so we can talk things through.”
“Let’s travel to the meeting together so we can spend some time discussing that issue.”
“Join me for breakfast tomorrow so we can hash out the problem.”
“Invite me to the next off-site so we can spend time discussing how we can better invest in your team.”
It’s no wonder we call time spent creating meaningful, focused, and active experiences with others “quality time.” Quality time is characterized by undivided attention, genuine engagement and shared experience.
Leaders who value such time with their families often overlook the power of quality time with team members, preferring instead to engage others in meetings and task-oriented conversations that lack true connection. This is a lost opportunity to nurture stronger and more meaningful bonds.
Everyone knows that time is the most precious commodity a leader has. Time spent exclusively with a colleague or team member to explore, learn, or collaborate is a sign of what the leader values. It says loudly and clearly that the team member is important to the leader and worth their exclusive attention.
Team members understand that quality time with a leader never just happens. They have to intentionally ask others to spend time with them. That’s why the best leaders choose to be “spend-time-with-me” mentors.
My secret lesson was always lunch. I would go out to lunch with individuals on a rotating basis. These appointments were priorities on my schedule so that people felt how much I valued them. Even if all we talked about was not work related, it was one way to build trust and learn about people—their values and priorities. I even used strategic lunches to build alliances and then coalitions.
When I moved to a new institution, I met individually with every single person in their office. It took months, but I instantly built a rapport and laid the groundwork for trust. Plus I learned a great deal about them, the institution, how I was perceived, and where I was falling short and needed to correct. Invaluable!
There is nothing like that individual attention, but it has to be real. You can’t fake it.
My hiring manager at my last company did this best. After I didn't do well during the second round of interviews with HR Business Partners, she called me the night before my third round with the Head of HR, and asked me what time my interview was the next day. It was at 8:00 and she asked if I would arrive an hour early to meet with her and prep. Wow! I knew I would be working for a great leader if she was willing to make an investment in me even before I got the job. This behavior continued after being hired. Even though we only worked together for six months (she left), she'd often walk by my desk, tell me to grab a pen and my notebook, and follow her to some meeting. Most of the time, she would tell me to just sit their and watch and listen. On our way back from these meetings, she'd ask me what I saw in there and what I thought about it. I came up with the term, 'bring you along' behaviors (as opposed to 'keep you down' or the 'absentee landlord'). Thanks for today's post. It reminded me of her and the fact I haven't reached out to her in a while to say hello.